What is happening?!?

Wow overwhelm is a real thing. A time robbing thing. The past few days have been crazy with obligation and opportunity. Let’s review. I named my idea and discovered some ways to live into it. Decided to make it official by contacting another artist who has skills to help me make a visual representation of it. Lastly, I shared it with a coach. And then? And then I stopped. Full Stop. Now granted this is only in the last couple of days but I’m freaking out a little. So I think it may be time to take a step to the side and look at what’s causing that feeling.

Step to the Side: I stopped for a moment and freaked out, what is happening?

1. I am scared pausing means stopping or stopping too long. Evidence? I did a small YouTube zone out yesterday which normally means I’m avoiding something.

2. I legitimately have a bunch of stuff to deal with that re-appeared like Dad not going home to South America because of his doctor saying not to fly after his fall, Nick’s health going sideways big time, and a call from the house we wanted to move to but assumed was a scam saying they are not a scam and we want to rent to you but cannot show you the house till after April 1 when my lease renewal is due March 31st!!!! (Breathe in, Breathe out… Breathe in, Breathe out.)

3. Work has a definite deadline and some outcomes that I need to be present and engaged in fully and I’m not exactly sure where to start. That means I’ll probably attempt something that has to be fully revised and I don’t like sharing anything that looks undone. An old panic that I will have to get over - so that I can actually get to the amazing finished product. But the anxiety is still there. It won’t go away it’s literally a thing I have to plow through. There is a deadline to this and it will add more longterm work which adds more time but also more money to the family but is it also more permanent increase in the amount of busy when I just got used to this amount of busy.

4. If I start down the business rabbit hole then I realize that summer is coming and I need to have a way for the kids to keep busy and that means swimming lessons and parks and at least one small trip and I freak out even more. Then it starts to feel like everything is coming undone and how will I ever attend to my idea?!?

Evidence to the Contrary:

1. I noticed the YouTube dive in a day. In the past that could have been a week or more before I noticed it or decided I can’t let this happen. Progress. That tells me I want to respond to this feeling differently.

2. I don’t have the health issues answers but I can get clear on the leasing (possibly moving) situation — which crazy but is temporary. Nick has an appointment with a Naturopath because I could do that so I did. Dad’s intra-cranial bleeding is not critical in that the neurologist said we will wait and see in a month about surgery and it’s not affecting his physical or cognitive functioning; so I will put his body’s healing in God’s care and do what I can for his comfort in the meantime until we know what’s next.

3. Set aside time for work each day and create the ugly baby… share the ugly baby as quickly as I can… If it’s born ugly but intact that’s all I can really ask. Others will help it become pretty through their feedback, but if I put it off the pressure for it to be pretty on the first go is much greater. That pressure makes this pressure look minor league. I’d rather play in the minors for now.

4. The kids are okay. I know how to hold quality time for them and once our homeschool pod is complete I can restructure that time to meet our strange, collective, love of early morning hours. If I don’t cater to a generic idea of “best summer ever” I remember then that my kids are simple people. A couple of local excursions and special weekends, visits to the parks and local beach are all they need for a great summer.

Whew. Do I feel better? A resounding yes. The last insight came to me is that the idea is okay even with all this life going on around it. It’s okay because I set aside time for it. Yes, it’s between 2:30 and 4 a.m. (depending on my bladder alarm) and it’s exhausting to do that days in a row but that’s my sacrifice and I will sacrifice for the idea. So whether or not it’s a blog or email communication or paperwork (ideas have some decidedly non-sexy friends) I will be up to meet them in the mornings.

Is this the best way to work through the panic? I have no idea, but it’s a different way and that’s a start. Sometimes we need to ditch the “best” way and just do something different.

That’s all the wisdom I have for today. Nothing to pour into the idea… just needed to let it know I’m still here for it.

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